Sixteen days ago Isla died during an ultrasound. We still have no real answers as to why. We agreed to an autopsy, so hopefully some answers will come. Although, it doesn't really matter much what the doctors discover. What we know for certain is that seventeen days ago my baby was alive and healthy, and then SNAP, she was gone.
But I am still a new mother. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I have ever laid eyes on. Perfect little button nose, cute little chubby cheeks, pouty little ruby lips. Like every new mother, I want to show off my precious little one. I have offered to send pictures of her to family and friends, but no one seems to want to see her. I'm not sure what they are afraid of - will it be too big a dose of reality to see a dead baby? Babies die. Anyone we know should be awakened to that reality now. Are they afraid seeing her will make her too real? She was and IS real. Will seeing her be too painful? No one could suffer the pain of losing Isla the way Tim and I are suffering, and her beauty is the only solace we have found in this time of great sorrow.
I've contemplated mailing out her photo to family and friends and just forcing her upon them, but my mother has advised me that I "just can't" do that. Given that its been ten months since our wedding and to my mother's chagrin our thank you cards are still sitting on top of the fridge waiting for stamps, I probably shouldn't cause her any more embarassment. So, I have created this blog to share my beautiful baby girl with the world.
An intensely private person when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm not one to discuss my feelings with anyone besides my husband and a few choice friends, but I'm hoping this blog will also be a venue for me to share a bit of myself with the world. I am in my darkest hour, praying simply for the strength to get up and face each day. I have no insights on how to survive the death of your baby, but it is my hope that through this blog I will find new strength and courage, and maybe one day, when my life is a little brighter, my story will help others find their way in the world without their babies.
To my little Bean - sleep tight. Mommy and Daddy miss you more and more with each passing moment. xoxoxoxo
A Moment of Pause
5 days ago