Thursday, July 16, 2009

I am still a new mother...

Sixteen days ago Isla died during an ultrasound. We still have no real answers as to why. We agreed to an autopsy, so hopefully some answers will come. Although, it doesn't really matter much what the doctors discover. What we know for certain is that seventeen days ago my baby was alive and healthy, and then SNAP, she was gone.

But I am still a new mother. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I have ever laid eyes on. Perfect little button nose, cute little chubby cheeks, pouty little ruby lips. Like every new mother, I want to show off my precious little one. I have offered to send pictures of her to family and friends, but no one seems to want to see her. I'm not sure what they are afraid of - will it be too big a dose of reality to see a dead baby? Babies die. Anyone we know should be awakened to that reality now. Are they afraid seeing her will make her too real? She was and IS real. Will seeing her be too painful? No one could suffer the pain of losing Isla the way Tim and I are suffering, and her beauty is the only solace we have found in this time of great sorrow.

I've contemplated mailing out her photo to family and friends and just forcing her upon them, but my mother has advised me that I "just can't" do that. Given that its been ten months since our wedding and to my mother's chagrin our thank you cards are still sitting on top of the fridge waiting for stamps, I probably shouldn't cause her any more embarassment. So, I have created this blog to share my beautiful baby girl with the world.

An intensely private person when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm not one to discuss my feelings with anyone besides my husband and a few choice friends, but I'm hoping this blog will also be a venue for me to share a bit of myself with the world. I am in my darkest hour, praying simply for the strength to get up and face each day. I have no insights on how to survive the death of your baby, but it is my hope that through this blog I will find new strength and courage, and maybe one day, when my life is a little brighter, my story will help others find their way in the world without their babies.

To my little Bean - sleep tight. Mommy and Daddy miss you more and more with each passing moment. xoxoxoxo


  1. Sigh. Welcome to the club. I'm so sorry about Isla. She is a beautiful baby girl, and I applaud you for posting pictures of her. I hope you find some comfort here in blog land with other baby loss momma's. None of us want to be here, but everyone seems to be kind and full of support. I've added Isla to the DBC calendar and memory page. Please feel free to add your blog to the directory also. I hope that you find moments of peace. Keep breathing.

  2. Isla is beautiful! Thank you for sharing her photos with us. Just a precious precious little girl, so clearly loved and adored by her parents. Gorgeous. I'm so so very sorry that Isla died - its just not fair that parents should have to go through this pain.

    Sending you much love as you begin this gentle on yourselves.

  3. I'm so sorry abobut Isla. A beautiful baby, and a beautiful name as well. I am sorry you are here, but glad you have decided to start a blog early on in your journey. I wish I would have started mine earlier, a lot of people are out there to help and lend support. It is a wonderful place for a horrible situation.

  4. i just came across your blog from Tina's page. i am soo so sorry for your loss. Isla is so beautiful and i absolutely love her name. when i thought i might be having twins Isla was the second girls name.
    i hope that being here helps you heal, though i am very sorry that you have to be here at all. there are so many wonderful women out here that have helped me a great deal and i couldn't make it through without their love and support.
    sending you love...

  5. Your daughter is so beautiful. Thank you for posting her photographs. What a precious little girl, Isla is a lovely name.

    I'm so terribly sorry. xx

  6. I'm so sorry you've had to join our tragic club. Isla is beautiful, perfect in every way and I am so glad you shared her with us. She will be remembered, just as all our lost babies will be within our special circle of love. Thank you so much for posting and for being brave enough to share your pain with the rest of us.